Tuesday, March 12, 2013

When Life Gets in the Way

What is getting in the way of you reaching for your dreams?

I used to think I would always be able to reach any dream I set my mind to - even if I hadn't figured out exactly what it was yet. Somewhere along the way, though, I somehow lost faith in myself. I lost faith in my determination, in my motivation and in my ability to manage my time. It seemed the more I got older, the more I started feeling like life was just too much to handle. Even the simplest things were too hard, and the smallest tasks were overwhelming (let alone trying to juggle a handful of things together).

I wish I had one specific thing to blame for getting in the way of reaching my dreams, but I don't. The closest I have is my thoughts. It's hard to say (or even just admit to myself), but the majority of my lack of dream-chasing is largely due to my lack of self-esteem. Trust me, this isn't a pity cry or a 'poor me' statement, but I feel if I don't start admitting it - I won't be able to start fixing it. 

I have difficulty seeing the promise of my future. I feel like whatever I do just won't be good enough. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, it somehow still won't be good enough for me. The worst part is, I know it's ridiculous, I know I shouldn't treat myself like that or view myself so low, I know I should believe in my dreams and my heart and my wild ideas. But I'm limited. 

It's so true that you will always be your own worst critic, I just wish I knew how to tone down the dial a little. I'm always trying to be this person that I should be. I want to be happier, and funnier and more carefree. I want to embrace life and laugh, dance and smile more. I want to wake up inspired and happy. I've been spending a lot of time reflecting on my life lately, especially with the big changes coming up in the next few months, and I've been forcing myself to be ok in the silence. I've been considering stillness, and paying attention to my thoughts, hesitations and intuition - and I'm learning a lot. It's been a messy process, some of it good, some of it bad, but I keep telling myself at least I'm making progress. Because if I don't start now. If I don't force myself to start waking up and experiencing life in a better light, I'll be in the exact same space 10 years from now. 

And that is pretty much the only thing I'm really scared of. 

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This month, I'm taking part in the Monthly NaBloPoMo Challenge, hosted by BlogHer. See all my March posts on Risk here. To find more blogs that are participating, please click here

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